Irreparable
by HanaritsuKrizza
Summary: Kashuu Kiyomitsu was already deemed irreparable before, it's only a matter of time until Yamatonokami Yasusada had a full grasp of it.


_I do not own Touken Ranbu._

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Yamatonokami Yasusada resignedly sits himself and waits. He is restless. His heart is thumping from the adrenaline and his hands are moderately shaking. It is like waiting for a verdict, but instead of his own, it is the judgement for Kiyomitsu's life, which only agitates him even more.

Beside him sits Horikawa Kunihiro trying to calm him by offering words of comfort. Yasusada can't hear the words properly but the thought alone makes him grateful. On his other side is Yagen Toushirou gently jabbing a disinfectant-soaked cotton ball on his injuries. It stings a lot, but not enough to match the anxiousness he feels at the moment.

They are outside the repair room. Some of the sword warriors join them and they keep on asking questions. They all seem worried. But Yasusada can't correlate right now. He has his own worries occupying his mind and it is totally driving him insane.

He closes his eyes and recollects the occurrences a while ago. His aim is to find out what exactly went wrong in their patrolling mission. It is suppose to be simple and easy. They haven't been sent to fight with the Retrograding Army, explaining why it is only the two of them. But Yasusada recalls Kiyomitsu saying something about nausea which he quickly brushes off, thinking of it as unimportant. The next second, however, Kiyomitsu is collapsing on the ground while a formidable enemy stands firmly behind him, swinging the weapon that has caused Kiyomitsu's wound. In an instant, Yasusada is by his side and they are rushing back to the citadel.

It is the first time he sees Kiyomitsu like that. The blood is dripping from his body and he is going back and forth from unconsciousness. It frightens Yasusada to death.

Hasebe Heshikiri informs him that the _Saniwa_ is already in the process of repairing him and tells him not to worry. It must be showing on his face how worried sick he is. He can't help it, though. When he thinks of Kiyomitsu being so vulnerable like that, he is unintentionally reviving those painful memories of their previous master and he fears it may happen again.

"Everything will be alright once the repairs are done," Yasusada hears someone says, but it doesn't ease his nervousness. He offers them a half smile instead.

The door of the repair room slides open and Yasusada jolts from the sound. He immediately stands and waits for Kiyomitsu to greet him. But the one who greets him is someone he, and perhaps all of them, isn't expecting. The _Saniwa_ walks awkwardly towards them.

The rest of the sword warriors let out surprised reactions but none of them is really daring enough to break the ice. Even Hasebe, who always has a say or two when the _Saniwa_ is involved, shuts his mouth and patiently waits for them to speak. This is the first time the _Saniwa_ goes out of the room, after all, so it must be an extremely pressing matter.

"He's fine for now, but…" They pauses, tone dropping to a softly whisper. "He's already irreparable."

When Yasusada hears the words, his heart drops.

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...

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Kiyomitsu is back in their shared room. He is sleeping soundlessly and Yasusada isn't sure what he is suppose to do while the other is still unconscious, but he refuses to leave Kiyomitsu's side so he stays and watches him. His breaths are coming out shallow and he seems distressed. When Yasusada changes Kiyomitsu's clothes earlier, he sees the carefully wrapped bandages on his body. The _Saniwa_ says the wound isn't deep, but it covers almost his whole body and it is enough for Yasusada's heart to clench.

He ought not to, but Yasusada can only blame himself. If only he has paid extra attention to him, this won't have to happen. He doesn't know how he can forgive himself after all of this. Maybe he can't. As long as Kiyomitsu's life is in danger, Yasusada will probably never condone himself.

He tries to soothe the shivers from Kiyomitsu's arms and fixes the blanket securing him. He appears uncomfortable in his sleep judging from the way his eyebrows are creasing. His pale skin also looks unhealthier than the usual. Although Yasusada grimaces for every sign of Kiyomitsu's discomfort, the only thing he can do for now is to stay by his side and pray for his well-being.

Yasusada startles when a low knock interrupts his self-loathing moment.

"Yasusada? I'm coming in." The door slowly opens and Izuminokami Kanesada comes in.

"Kane- _san_ ," Yasusada acknowledges his presence, but he did nothing to accommodate him. He allows the man to let himself in.

Kane- _san_ isn't saying anything. Kiyomitsu's slightly trembling form is an enough proof to confirm the lack of improvement on his current state so even if he asks, all he needs is to look at their comrade to get an answer.

Yasusada feels a gentle hand patting his back as an attempt for comfort. He faces Kane- _san_ and almost breaks down at the warmheartedness he sees. He fights it, though. He can't be crying right now. He needs to be strong for Kiyomitsu. Besides, crying won't do anything except to increase the pathetic feeling he is holding.

"I will look after him so why don't you go out and eat for the meantime? You also need to regain your energy, you know." Yasusada wants to protest, but the unusual tenderness of his voice impels him to oblige.

He reluctantly nods and forces himself to stand. "I'll be really quick so until then, please look after him, Kane- _san_."

"I will."

When Yasusada comes out, he finds some of the sword warriors near their room. Some of them look gloomy while the others are trying to cheer them. Most likely, they are trying to cheer their own selves, too.

"Yamatonokami- _san_!" Imanotsurugi calls out and the rest of them turn to him. Their expressions are painted with concern and care for both him and Kiyomitsu.

"Yamatonokami, are you alright?" asks Yamanbagiri Kunihiro.

"Yamatonokami- _san_ , we prepared food for you," says Shokudaikiri Mitsutada. "Please don't skip your meals."

"Yamatonokami- _san_ , please cheer up, I'm sure Kashuu- _san_ will get better soon." That's Akita Toushirou, trying his best to sound convincing while the rest of his brothers nod their heads to show their support.

Yasusada smiles. It sounds undependable but he is actually glad he isn't alone. They share the same worries and it sort of lifts his spirits.

When feeling down, it is best to seek for other's company and engage yourself with their kindness. It helps in diverting your mind from depression, Yasusada concludes.

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...

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Yasusada finds the scene before his eyes disturbingly familiar. It is a mess of sword fighting and screeching noises. The tension is so high. Fallen warriors can be seen at every corner and the anguished looks of the still standing _ronins_ represent their tremendous will to survive. He ignores most of them and goes straight to the second floor of the inn where he knows he can find the person that is precious to him.

He already has everything memorized on his mind after being replayed over and over again in his dreams. It is futile, he knows, but Yasusada still tries – still attempts to reach out his hand to Okita- _kun_ and protect him.

When an angry and howling _ronin_ is about to attack the young man who is still coughing blood, Yasusada senses that he is about to wake up. What he doesn't expect, though, is for the nightmare to extend and alter some part that he can assert to be even more frightening than the original setting.

Instead of a man wearing light blue _haori_ lying in the floor, he sees a man wearing dark western clothes with a red scarf that adorns his neck. Kiyomitsu's beaten body rests lifeless in front him. Yasusada screams and then everything goes black as he regains consciousness.

He rises with a jump, panting heavily as he evens out his breaths. There is a sweat forming on his forehead but he chooses to ignore it to check on Kiyomitsu. To his surprise, the red-eyed sword warrior is up and already looking at him.

"Is it that dream again?" Kiyomitsu asks and Yasusada nods. It is the same dream with a different ending, but Kiyomitsu needs not to know that. He intends to forget it, too, eventually. It is only a dream, it can't be true.

Kiyomitsu is here, with him. He is hurt, but he is still alive.

"Yasusada?" he hears him calling. It is soft and weak but it is full of concern. His voice lacks its usual vigor and his eyes don't shine the way they do.

"How are you feeling?" Yasusada inquires as he deems it appropriate. But in reality, he doesn't want to ask, he doesn't _need_ to ask.

Kiyomitsu pauses. Likewise, he doesn't need to give Yasusada a reply. As much as it pains Yasusada to point out, Kiyomitsu's condition is as clear as water. But he hears him answer, anyway. "I'm fine," he hums, "my wound hurts but I'm more or less fine."

It is a lie, Yasusada knows. He is far from being fine, that much is obvious, yet he still accepts it. Sometimes, it is easier pretending to believe a lie than accepting a painful truth.

"I see. Then, would you like to go out and eat with everyone? I'm sure they will be pleased to see you." He witnesses how Kiyomitsu's red eyes light up. It's a tiny fire, but a light, nonetheless. It serves as a glimmer of hope and it is exactly what the both of them need.

"Hmm. Yes, that sounds good." Kiyomitsu stirs and his movements are too slow. He is being careful and precise. It reflects how he favors the section of his body where most of his injuries are.

Yasusada bears it, no matter how much it hurts to see him cringe in pain, he watches him silently as Kiyomitsu makes an effort to stand up with the lie he presents. He is aware of how much of it is a lie but he still insists. It must be his pride taking action. However, when a sudden yelp reaches his ears, Yasusada decides they both have enough of enduring and offers to help.

"Alright. Let me help you change so we can go out."

"Okay." He doesn't sound unwilling. He can't deny it anymore, after all. _What was seen cannot be unseen._ _What was heard cannot be unheard._ Besides, even if he refuses, Yasusada won't be convinced any longer.

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Kiyomitsu's condition has becoming unpredictable. It is different with each passing days. It is like a show of varying moods that randomly changes every now and then and Yasusada is not so sure what to actually feel about it. He is also having his own parade of emotions depending on Kiyomitsu's state.

There is a day when Kiyomitsu wakes up finally feeling better without any signs of pretense. The wound is still present and he still looks sickly, but he is quick to decline any kind of fretting, insisting he specially feels fine that day. Besides, the fire on his eyes is distinctively generous so Yasusada decides not to argue.

Later in the day, Yasusada finds Kiyomitsu in their front porch with the rest of the sword warriors surrounding him. And for the first time in a while, he lets out a positive smile as he watches Kiyomitsu laughing genuinely with them.

It is a really good day.

..

They say life swings like a pendulum. So if there is a good, there is also a bad. Despite having it predicted, Yasusada doesn't expect the bad days to be this worse.

He learns that the wounds on Kiyomitsu's body never heals, no matter how much medication they supply him. Yagen promises to conduct even further experiments and find an effective cure. Yasusada tells him that it is well-appreciated, and it really is. But honestly, he just can't get any hope from it. Not when he can see blood here and there.

Kiyomitsu's nose is bleeding. His wound that Yasusada has been told is not deep is also bleeding. He is reduced into a coughing fit and Yasusada can't see it but he is sure there is blood on his palm that he hastily hides away. Yasusada doesn't know what to wipe first, the blood on Kiyomitsu's face or the tears on his own eyes.

Mikazuki Munechicka lends him a hand, he pats the back of Kiyomitsu to ease at least a little bit of pain. Then he cleans the excess blood on the _uchigatana's_ mouth as he prompts Yasusada to swab his tears away. (Because Yasusada chooses Kiyomitsu over himself.)

"Seeing you cry will make him feel bad, it will only worsen his condition," Mikazuki- _san_ whispers.

When the night comes, Kiyomitsu retires himself to bed. He remains asleep for two whole days.

..

Yasusada believes that if there is a bad and there is a good, then there is what they call neutral – the middle.

His heart sinks every time he hears Kiyomitsu wheezes in pain. But he figures it is still so much better than Kiyomitsu almost bathing himself with his own blood. Today, the only red he can recognize is the crimson of his eyes.

Kiyomitsu complains to Yasusada about how heavy his body feels, how his limbs become flimsy, how his head hurts like hell, and how he doesn't see Yasusada's smiles anymore.

"I'm sorry," Kiyomitsu says and it takes all of Yasusada's effort to hold back his tears. Seems like his human form is such a crybaby, or perhaps solely because it is Kiyomitsu, that is why he is being so sentimental.

"What for?"

Kiyomitsu doesn't speak. Instead, he looks at him weakly, sadly, _desperately_. He smiles at Yasusada and without a notice, embraces him as tight as his languid arms can manage.

"Thank you, Yasusada," he hears him mumble after a while. It is the cue for Yasusada's dam to break.

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On the winter of 2207 A.D., Kiyomitsu falls into a deep slumber.

It has happened before so Yasusada thinks nothing of it. Perhaps by sleeping for a few days, Kiyomitsu can restore his energy, perhaps his wounds will finally heal on their own, perhaps his body will miraculously repair itself. Putting it that way, Yasusada decides he doesn't mind if Kiyomitsu chooses to sleep for days, even weeks or months.

 _'It's alright, he's still breathing. He's asleep but he's still alive.'_ He says it like a mantra, to assure himself – to motivate himself. It's hard but bearable.

Yasusada often talks to him. He is unresponsive but he still calls out to him. He tells him tales and happenings around the citadel. He informs him news about the Retrograding Army. He fills him with announcements from the _Saniwa_. He keeps Kiyomitsu updated.

Sometimes, the rest of the _Shinsengumi_ swords join him. They claim to watch after Kiyomitsu but Yasusada later realizes that their intention is extended to him, too.

Time flies really fast. In a blink of an eye, winter is coming to an end and spring is already right in the corner. Even if the days he spends are agonizing, even if the hours of every day torment him, even if every minute he spends thinking about Kiyomitsu's state seems to drag and make him suffer, the clock never stops ticking.

Yasusada watches as the snow melts and turns into water. Just like that, the winter dies. But it is just how the way it should be. Time will always loom over to take your life away, no matter how much you wish otherwise.

 _If the sorrow in my heart melts, what will be left behind? If Kiyomitsu stops breathing, what will I become?_

Yasusada laments.

Kashuu Kiyomitsu never wakes up.

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I'm accepting all forms of reactions, from calm and normal to bloody and trashy, just send me a review if you have some. Thanks a lot for checking it out.

EDIT [12/22/18]: I just became officially addicted to Musical Touken Ranbu and I fell in love with Kiyomitsu all over again. Also, I really like his actor, Sato Ryuji-san, he's super cute and in-character.


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